


Horadric Council, Budget Meeting and Quarterly Performance Review

by TS_Eliot_Stabler



Category: Diablo (Video Game), Diablo II, Diablo III
Genre: Academia, Alternate Universe, Budget Meeting, Diablo - Freeform, Diablo AU, Diabloverse, Gen, academic politics, fucking academia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:49:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25246414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TS_Eliot_Stabler/pseuds/TS_Eliot_Stabler
Summary: Before he could unlock the secrets of the Black Soulstone, Zoltun Kulle had to face the hell that is academic bureaucracy.
Kudos: 8





	Horadric Council, Budget Meeting and Quarterly Performance Review

HAROLD: Okay, next on the agenda is Zoltun Kulle. Mr. Kulle, I see you’ve submitted a proposal for a “Magical Archives and Undead Conjuration Complex?”

KULLE: Did it say that? Sorry, that was an old draft, It’s just a Magical Archives. I swear Microsoft Word doesn’t work right anymore since you made us update to Windows 10.

HAROLD: Were you using track changes? You need to accept the changes or it won’t update your document.

KULLE: How am I supposed to know that? I lost three weeks of Soulstone research in this stupid update!

HAROLD: Regardless, I must admit I’m slightly concerned with some of the items in this proposal. First of all, you did assure us that you had ceased your studies regarding the creation of a so-called “Black Soulstone” and your experimentation with demonic forces.

KULLE: Which I have.

HAROLD: I want to believe you Mr. Kulle, but you have to understand my misgivings when looking at this mockup you’ve included that has what appear to be mile-high carvings of evil-looking robed figures with hooded skulls lining the outside of the facility?

KULLE: What about it?

HAROLD: Surely you can see how that might give the wrong impression about the kind of things happening inside your archives?

KULLE: Oh come on, Cain has books literally bound in flesh and you’re giving me a hard time about a few Neo-Gothic flourishes? Forgive me for having taste in architecture.

HAROLD: Visuals aside, I’m just not sure we have the money in the budget for some of the other things you’re proposing here. For example, does the entrance need to be a magical portal?

KULLE: This is critical work, it must remain secure at any cost!

HAROLD: I understand, but the other scholars have been just fine with the proximity keycards we’ve installed.

KULLE: I already told you I don’t want to use a keycard. These robes have no pockets, where am I supposed to keep it?

HAROLD: We provided you with a lanyard.

KULLE: I can’t use a lanyard, I’m already wearing an amulet in that slot!

HAROLD: Okay then, assuming for a moment that we keep the portal, do the archives NEED to be hovering over oblivion? I’ve estimated we could cut overall costs by one third if we just put them over water.

_[KULLE scoffs]_

HAROLD: We could even possibly do some sort of acid, if that helps?

KULLE: Did you even read my recent publication on what we can learn from the mistakes of the Zakarum? The justification is outlined there very clearly.

HAROLD: I… skimmed it.

KULLE: Really?

HAROLD: Well, I skimmed the abstract. Fine, let's say we go with the oblivion thing. We certainly can’t fund the hundreds of floating stones with glowing runes scattered everywhere. It simply isn’t in the budget.

KULLE: I’ll be providing those myself. They’re part of a grant-funded initiative.

HAROLD: Oh. Great! Alright, just one last thing. As we already informed you, due to budget constraints you’ll be sharing an office with Tal Rasha.

KULLE: Yes, I included that in the mockup.

HAROLD: I see that, but it looks like you’ve got his desk precariously close to what appears to be a gigantic bottomless fiery pit.

KULLE: Well you see, it can get quite drafty with the oblivion and all. I just wanted to make sure he’d be comfortable.

HAROLD: But can’t we at least place him on the floor? It looks like you’ve got him on some sort of magical floating sand bridge.

KULLE: Tal is from Lut Gholein! A little sand shouldn’t bother him!

_[A COUNCILMAN approaches Harold]_

COUNCILMAN: Sir, I hate to interrupt, but somebody has graffitied “Tyrael Sux” in the scholars longue.

HAROLD: Again? _[gathering his things]_ Okay, I’m sorry Mr. Kulle but I just don’t think this is in the budget as it stands. Maybe after the fiscal year we can revisit the idea. That is, of course, unless you can find a way to cut the costs in half in the meantime.

KULLE: Hah. You’ll have to cut me in half first.

_End._


End file.
